Filmmaking is a cruel, cruel mistress.
Why do I keep doing this?
Golf is an incredibly expensive, frustrating, time-consuming, and difficult hobby. And for some reason, people keep coming back. Whenever you are at the brink, playing the worst game of your life, ready to give it all up and chuck what remaining clubs you have into the nearest water hazard, you suddenly play a fantastic 18th hole and it gives you just enough lift to pull yourself out of the emotional nose dive. You proudly take your ball from the cup, stride confidently back to the clubhouse, load up your car, and call out to the rest of your foursome, “See you next weekend!”
And for that reason, golf is a cruel mistress.
Fandom can be like this as well. Whenever I think about sports fans around the world who continue to come back and support their favorite teams year after year when their program is perpetually in the “L” column, I can’t help but think about this Cleveland Browns fan:
Despite the frustrations, the records, the constant disappointment, there’s just something about your team that brings you back season after season. Watch the above video until the end and you’ll get it.
But at some point those golfers and those sports fans have to ask themselves one question: Why do I keep doing this?
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And you better believe I’ve asked myself the same thing on more than one occasion when I think about my misadventures in the world of filmmaking.
If you’ve been reading my Substack long enough, you know that I’ve been making movies as long as I’ve been big enough to shoulder a VHS camcorder. I’ve made many films over the years, some I’d be happy to show you; others I’m happy to leave in the vault. But none of my work has brought me a significant amount of notoriety. Nor has a studio executive ever come up to me after a festival screening, handed me his card, and said proudly, “Give me a call. I want to be in the ‘Clint Till’ business.”
Boy oh boy, The Simpsons made it all look so easy:
I remember texting a friend about all of this a few months ago. I had been telling myself that my latest short film, That’s My House, would probably be my last. He empathized immediately. He has also worked in film and video production for many years. He’s an incredibly talented cinematographer and he told me that he finally stepped away from the low/no budget indie scene. To him, there was no value in it for him anymore.
But then, wouldn’t you know it…?
That’s My House went on to win three awards in the first two film festivals where it screened.
And just like hitting that birdie on 18, my attitude shifted. Maybe I SHOULD keep going.
Now, am I ungrateful for these awards? Absolutely not.
Have I been making films all these years only to win awards? Again, no. But, it is validating and encouraging to be recognized for your work. It reinforces the idea that you are good at what you do and that people recognize that, even if you don’t recognize it in yourself sometimes.
“Okay Clint, fine. So what’s your point?”
First, know this: just like the sports fan who returns every season to cheer on a team that’s always in the dumpster, or the golfer who spends more time in the sand than a pirate without a map, I have a compulsion to create. I would continue to do it even if I never won anything or was never recognized. I think every artist, musician, writer, photographer, or filmmaker understands. Heck, anyone who has a passion for anything understands this.
I do it because I enjoy the process.
I enjoy entertaining others.
I like the fact that I am bringing a piece of art into the world; something new that never before existed until I brought it to the screen. I’m proud of that.
Second, understand that despite that compulsion to create and the enjoyment I derive from it, I sometimes need a bit of encouragement; just a little nudge that pushes me forward to continue on this creative path. I think everyone needs that, even if they say they don’t. That’s why winning awards means a lot to me. It reminds me that I matter; that what I created means something to someone.
So, look around you. Who is it, right now, in your life, that could use that same encouragement? Are you a people leader in your day-to-day job? Do you oversee a team? I bet, at this moment, there is at least one person who simply needs a bit of recognition for a job well done; to feel valued; integral to the process; that their work means something.
We all need that.
Because sometimes in this life, we find ourselves in the midst of a losing streak, or we’re stuck in the bottom of a sand trap. And we just need a reason to keep coming back.