I felt the walls closing in around me
When would it all end?
The word “glamorous” is thrown around from time to time when people refer to the film production industry. Movie-lovers watch the behind-the-scenes features on the 4K BluRay of their favorite films and they see actors and directors smiling and laughing on set, having a good time.
They hear interviews with those same celebrities gushing about the incredible experience of filming the movie and how wonderful it was to work with such talented people.
They watch b-roll of the director calling “Action!” against the beautiful backdrop of some international locale. Then the feature flashes forward to the glitz and glamour of the world premiere, with the red carpet, formal evening wear, and a lot of paparazzi. And those movie fans sigh and think to themselves, “Golly gee, making a movie sure does seem like a lot of fun.”
And like any other movie fan, I watched those features as I was growing up1, dreaming of a time when I could be the director on set yelling “Action!” while working with the biggest stars of the day in some far-away location, making a movie with a multi-million dollar budget. Yes sir, that’s where I saw myself.
Where I ended up, however, was crammed into a small conference room with a bunch of lawyers filming a legal deposition.
Yep. Glamorous.
When you’re a freelancer trying to turn a hobby into a business, you can’t afford to be selective with the type of work you accept. Money is money, and that’s how I found myself working as a hired hand for a local video production company filming depositions.
Here’s everything that was required:
Set up a camera at one side of a conference table.
Set up the lights.
Provide a microphone to each lawyer and witness.
Hit “Record” when the lawyers told you to.
Keep everything in focus
Hit “Stop” when the lawyers told you to.
The work was incredibly easy and incredibly boring. The more I sat and listened to legal depositions, the more I had to tip my cap to those in the TV and Film business who actually managed to convince so many of us that the law is interesting. I mean, it’s really incredible that something so monotonous and procedural could be milked for so much on screen drama over the years.
Anyway, my head was not in a good space during this time.
I was still in my early 20s.
All my efforts to land full time work at ad agencies, production companies, post houses, and TV stations had turned up absolutely nothing.
I was newly married
Credit card debt was piling up.
Cash flow was horrible.
My bank account was often overdrawn.
In addition to my financial stress, there was the toll all of this was taking on my self-confidence. Here I was, someone who once had such big dreams now sitting in the conference room of a law firm listening to legal depositions. Where had I gone so wrong? I felt like George Bailey in It’s a Wonderful Life - a guy with lofty goals who just never gets his opportunity.
All of this anxiety was swimming around in my head as I sat in yet another deposition. I checked my watch. It was now a little after 1pm and I was starving. We had been going since a little after 8 in the morning without much of a break and I hadn’t bothered to eat breakfast. Huge regret.
The walls were closing in on me, very quickly. It was hot. This was the day before LED lighting so I was using two high-wattage fresnels to light the room. I was uncomfortable. There was no end to the proceedings. And then, to top it all off, I started getting tunnel vision. I started seeing stars. I was going to faint. I could feel it. And boy, that was going to do wonders for my reputation.
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Mercifully, the attorneys ended the proceedings just before everything went black. I turned the fresnels off as quickly as I could and opened the door to the conference room, letting in the cooler air. I packed up my gear, loaded my car, and drove to get lunch. But as I chewed the first few bites of my sandwich, I still didn’t feel right. I felt nauseous. As hungry as I was, I just couldn’t eat.
This went on for weeks. I probably lost twenty pounds. Finally, I went to a gastrointestinal doctor and had an endoscopy. I was diagnosed with a hiatal hernia. A majority of these cases occur in people over the age of 50, yet here I was dealing with one at the age of 25. It finally went away, over time, with a combination of medication and the proper diet, but I missed out on a few video shoots because I was just too weak and too nauseous to work.
I can’t say for certain what actually caused it, but I do believe that my levels of stress and anxiety had something to do with it. Even if that wasn’t the cause, it probably exacerbated it.
What I learned from my experiences is that being your own boss can be great, but it takes the right kind of person with the right kind of fortitude to maintain the proper mental and emotional balance to pull it off. Maybe I just never had the right make up. Or maybe I was too young and immature at the time to handle the stress that came with such an unsteady and unpredictable lifestyle. Thinking back on life’s experiences forces you to evaluate yourself with a certain sense of objectivity and honesty.
I’ve struggled with anxiety and stress for a long time but I do feel as though at this point in my life I’m doing a much better job of handling it. I’ve seen first hand what kind of havoc it wreaks and I don’t ever want negative thoughts to spiral anymore and affect my physical, mental, and emotional health.
Oh, and you should always eat a good breakfast.
Except when I was growing up (prior to DVD) I was watching those features on celebrity news programs like Entertainment Tonight.